Drawing Deeper – 15: Sing

2 03 2011

Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the fifteenth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

———

“But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.
o You, O my Strength, I will sing praises;
For God is my defense, my God of mercy.”
(Psalm 59:15-17)

Lately God has been asking me to sing to Him… not in the sense of singing worship songs that I know, but to actually talk to Him through song.

Especially when I’m hurting.

When it feels like no one is there, and I’m going through a lot, God simply tells me to sing about how I feel and what I’m going through. Then to sing of His truth.

And so I do. Despite me feeling weird at first, it becomes the most comforting experience.

I sing unto Him. Through my depression, my loneliness, my hurt.

And He listens to me, transforms my heart, and cues the wellspring in my soul to come out through my eyes and heal me.

He uses the most insecure aspect of me — my singing voice — and turns that weakness into a perfecter of faith that declares His sovereignty over my life.

There are times, folks, where we have no one else to turn to but God. Sometimes he distances those close to us to illustrate that very purpose. It is a reminder done out of love, because He wants us to learn to talk to Him, to rely on Him… trust in Him. We need to lay hands on ourselves, encourage ourselves, and pray over our own lives, because sometimes no one is around to do it for us.

I’ve always wanted to sing better, anyway. And I do have a lot that I am going through. Perhaps the act of singing to Him is how God intends to answer my prayer? Well, I wouldn’t put it past Him.

The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.”
(Psalm 118:13)






Drawing Deeper – 14: Closer (A Prayer)

22 02 2011

Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the fourteenth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

———

A lot of things have been thrown my way this past week alone. Almost not graduating, losing my credit card, falling ill… it’s only been two weeks, and I feel as lonely as ever.

But – I am unbelievably glad. Joyful, even. Because you were there. I felt you near. I cried out, and you came.

You listened. You let me weep. And you… and you… ah, who am I kidding? I can’t explain it.

It was all you, huh? You allowed this to happen. You orchestrated every circumstance, every moment, every decision.. so that I all I had left was you.

Well… thank you. So much.

I’ve never felt more alive, more like myself, than when I talk with you. The honesty and trust I am developing as I get to know you.. it is mind-blowing. Before there were ulterior motives. I read your promises and viewed you as the person I needed to please in order to gain them. But now… I don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you’ll give me my heart’s desires, I am just going to focus on delighting in you.

In an effort to beat the system, I’ve come face to face with the greatest love I have ever known. Your truth has stopped me in my tracks and brought me to my knees. And I am not going anywhere except in the places where your love calls.

The fact that you are near me at all is overwhelming, and I am moved to tears daily by what you have been delivering me through. Who am I that you answer my prayers? I have done nothing to deserve them. Yet.. you are blessing my life in so many ways that I cannot possibly count them all.

I am thankful beyond measure that you are in control. Though I am saddened you have distanced friendships, you have sprung forth newer ones that provide all I need and continue to amaze me. Forgive me if I ever question where you lead me.

For all I need is you. Your presence is enough. I will trust you, because you have  been faithful. I will be still and know… that you are God.





Dear God — Smokie Norful

12 02 2011




12 02 2011

“Lord, teach me to be grateful with what I have, to be content with the way things are, and to be free from the selfishness that may corrupt them both.”





Drawing Deeper – 13: Breath

11 02 2011

Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the thirteenth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

———

A new level. New increase. It’s amazing. But reaching a new level with God requires more of him. Maintaining a deeper communication, a more intimate relationship level, requires us to depend on him even more.

And it makes sense – higher elevations require more breath.

My pursuit to grow in God, to grow with God, can be analogized to climbing a mountain. When I made my first genuine attempt to know God more during the middle of this summer, it was like I was at the base of this gigantic mountain. Where the heck do I even start? I wondered. I contemplated the proper footing, the proper technique, I took a step back to see how I would do it. But I realized that all I really was doing was procrastinating. I knew it’d be scary, I didn’t know what to expect… but I wanted it. So badly. My best friend told me that I needed to want God. I needed to want it more than anything else.

So with the encouragement of close friends around me, I did. And it was great! The first few steps were exhilarating. Progress was being made. I was encouraged.

Then it got harder.

I started getting busier with school, an internship, and other commitments. Not only that, but I started getting attacked. The temptations and lust started coming back. I needed God more than ever. So I got into a small group and found a church, and surrounded myself again with brothers and mentors. I barely escaped last semester alive, and I needed to come back home for the winter and recuperate.

Now I’m back in California. It’s 2011, and I need to be stronger. My relationship with God needs to be deeper. With the coming future, I need to stick close to Him and, most importantly, let him lead. I’ll be heading out and finding a job soon, and I need to make sure I’m where God wants me to be. I will fail if I do this on my own, on my own breath.

I depend on God for my very survival.

I don’t think I’m being too dramatic here. There is a very real enemy out there to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). The devil has been at it for a long time, and we’re going to need God more and more the closer we get to our destiny. Satan has tried to rob me of my joy and grip me into lust and depression the first day I came back here. If it were not for my network back home and my decision to be vulnerable with these trusted souls, I would not be writing this entry. I am indebted to them tremendously for getting me out of that rut. I’m closer with God now; and the devil hates that.

But I love it. I love getting to know my creator. I love getting to know Him again. I love how it’s in His hands, and all I have to do is follow. The higher I climb this mountain, the greater the reward, the greater the satisfaction, the greater the view… and the greater the fall.

I intend not to fall. If I do, I believe in God’s grace. I believe in the comfort and love my family and friends will give me. I believe in those relationships. I believe that God is good, no matter what he gives.. or takes.. away from me.

I will keep growing. I will keep moving forward. I will rely on His breath the higher up I go. And I am so thankful that He is the source of my strength. My joy.

Father, I thank you. This journey you have placed me on… this mountain you are making me climb… it is tough. But already I feel stronger. Already I feel that I’m drawing nearer to you. I know the higher I climb the more of you I need. This mountain.. it can represent my destiny, my relationship with you, or a trial you are leading me through to teach me how to cling onto you more. And I love you for that. Thank you for strengthening me, for teaching me how to depend on you. Thank you for my brothers and sisters, and for placing people around me so I don’t have to do this alone. I want to make you proud, and I want to stand with you one day, victorious, knowing that you were the one giving me breath all along. You are the air that I breathe. Please be there for my friends, my loved ones, my family. Give them your strength too. Help me draw nearer to you, God. I simply cannot do this without you.

——





Drawing Deeper – 12: God’s Burden

9 02 2011

Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the twelfth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

———

“For my burden is easy and my yoke is light.”
(Matthew 11:30)

God. The Creator of everything. The author of our lives. The author.

He knows what’s coming. He knows what we’ll do. He knows what’s best.

On the other hand, I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what I’ll do next. And last time I checked, based on the decisions I’ve made, I don’t know what’s best.

But God does.

Isn’t that beautiful?

Why, then, is it so hard to follow God when we know this? Why is our “free will” inextricably linked to frequent and terrible decision-making?

I know it’s our flaws. I know it’s our sin. I know it’s Satan.

But… when I look back on the times when I’ve chosen God, when I chose to let go of everything.. they were the very moments where I felt — myself. That unexplainable warmth, that unexplainable comfort, those unexplainable tears, the relentless utterances of praise that burst forth from my lips.. those were the realest experiences I’ve ever had. It was free. And it was freeing.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

God’s will is stressful, tough, and difficult. But it’s perfect. All we need to traverse the path He has laid out before us is Him. He is all we need, and thankfully his burden is light, for what He asks us to do can be immensely difficult. Anything else we, by our own volition, choose to keep carrying will only hinder us from achieving His will for our lives. Most times, it becomes impossible.

It is inevitable that when we stray from the path of God, upon our return there will be attachments, hindrances, and vices we have picked up from our time in darkness. All that extra stuff we are holding onto is the only thing keeping us back from a perfectly designed relationship with God. It is what is keeping us from where He wants us to go. It can be immensely hard to let go, but I remember all the times where I finally did… and to this day I cannot believe the sheer love He has shown, the dark places He has delivered me from.

I am experiencing this struggle for deliverance even now. I am working through this and doing my best to just.. lay everything down. It is scary as heck, considering I don’t know the outcome of my future. But judging from what I’ve been through with and without God — I choose God. I want His burden instead. And I am SO thankful He’s willing to trade all my sorrows and shame for His joy.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
(Romans 12:2)

God, I want to view you as King over my life. I want to serve you and lay it down, all of it. You’ve seen the way I run my life, and I know you have better for me. I don’t want to do Your will just because there is some benefit for me; I just want to do it because I love you. Please please please shape that mentality in me. I’m tired of my own ulterior motives. I’m tired of pulling out the God card. I’m tired of all the showcasing. When it comes down to it, I just want to be near to you. I just want to talk with you, hear from you, make jokes with you, fight and struggle with you, knowing that I am getting closer to your heart. I want to follow you for the rest of my life, not just because you know what’s best but because I love you. Who you are is amazing, and I want to focus my entire life on what you want me to accomplish. Instill a passion to please you in my heart. I want to develop the character that pleases you. This season, while I’m in California, mold me into the man of God you want me to be. You are my Father, and you own me. I want to be your faithful Son. I want to make You proud. I love you.

Previous entries in the series:
11: The Homeless Man’s Prophecy
10: Relationship Ramblings

9: Stay With Me
8: Asking God First, and Letting Him Finish
7: God Will Disrupt Your Schedule
6: Lord of the Little Things
5: Submitting the Imagination
4: No, I Don’t Want To
3: Dealing With Our Love Story
2: What Should I Read?
1: The Choice





4 02 2011

God, I’m believing in your goodness. I’m believing that You want nothing but the best for me. I’m choosing not to give in to my depression, my loneliness, my desire to end me, and I’m declaring Your love. I need You, please draw near to me. Things aren’t making sense, relationships are crumbling despite all I do, and I need Your strength. I refuse a life without You. Please be near. Please strengthen me. Watch over me as I sleep, guide my thoughts in the morning. Let me see nothing but You when I look at the world. I want to be Your son. Amen.

 





The Five Most Significant Friends in my Life

2 02 2011

Time and distance has got nothing on them.

 

Charis Peich
Time I’ve known her: 10 years, 1 month (January 2001)
Current distance: approx. 2,356 miles

Out of the five mentioned here, I’ve known this person the longest. There comes a point where knowing someone for too long becomes a bad thing, and that’s right around the 9 year mark, because there is just no fooling her anymore. she sees right through me, and it’s embarrassing, hilarious, and refreshing at the same time. our friendship consists of sarcasm, deep conversations, and long talks about… well, everything. and i mean everything. we only started getting close my junior year, which was the year I had 6 classes a day with her. that turned out to be an immense blessing, because the friendship I had formed with her has now blossomed into one of the most important ones I have. we don’t talk often, but when we do.. well, we get kicked out of restaurants because we chat for so long. heck, we even go to Starbucks to continue talking, and we get kicked out of there too. and still the conversation continues. i have confided in her so much; i trust her advice, appreciate her critiques, and value her insights. she is actually a real sweetheart and a refreshing joy to be around. she has such a keen eye for art and fashion, and it shows when you talk to her. I love the realness she brings out in me, and dull moments with her are non-existent, as there’s so much humor to be said as we rag on life and comment on its absurdities. she has been the person I notify whenever there’s really good news, and the person I love to call when I need to process something in life, from things like not being independent to dealing with the guilt of eating fast food. truth be told, she knows me well and she is one of the few whom I allow free reign to peer into my life and all the triumphs and struggles contained herein. I am unbelievably grateful that I am friends with an extremely gorgeous soul, and I thank God that we are able to have such a great time touching base whenever we get the chance.

John Paul Fukumae
Time I’ve known him: 8 years, 5 months (September 2002)
Current distance: approx. 2,390 miles

This dude, this guy, this friend.. he’s my mirror. Time and time again, we have gone through eerily similar experiences at roughly the same time. our girl problems were the same. our ways of processing life are the same. our haircuts, at one point in time, were the same. our relationship has gone through ups and downs throughout the years, but through the fighting a love has blossomed and has bonded us for pretty much life. this man has been an inspiration and an encouragement more than he knows, and I am so proud and so much more thankful that this man is in my life. the way he loves and appreciates his friends so unconditionally and authentically is so admirable, and I try to incorporate his example and views on life into my own. I can confide in him, bounce ideas off of him, and, most importantly, be myself. i trust him like no other, and i am so excited to be sharing my future with him. currently the plan is to live in california together, create music and perform shows, and co-author a kick-ass inspirational book derived from content from our xanga, myspace, and tumblrs. come to think of it, these are actually of his ideas, but one can see how motivated and inclusive of a friend he is. he simply loves to create joy and invite people to share in the ride. i cannot think of any other friend who does that, who essentially lays down his time, effort, his life, for the people he cares about. and for me to be considered one of his friends? that is a pure blessing. i have taken him for granted too many times and am determined to be a friend to him to the best of my ability. his love and rebukes have tempered and refined me into the person I am today, and I am indebted to him. he is a bro among bros, and I thank God that I have a friendship with this man.

Nicole Dennis
Time I’ve known her: 2 years, 5 months (September 2008)
Current distance: approx. 2,433 miles

This beautiful, beautiful, beautiful kindred soul is my international bestie, my sister, and my beloved. We met in Switzerland, and bonded immensely as we both went through by far one of the toughest seasons in our lives. I do not know where I would be without her, and our relationship is nothing but positive and loving. She gives spot-on advice, and delivers it in such a graceful, eloquent, and humble way that always brings me face-to-face with the most timely and relevant of epiphanies. She makes me feel loved, unique, wanted, comforted, and remembered, and I am thankful for her everyday that she is my friend. We write to and Skype with each other regularly, and it is her prayers, her inspiring strength, and her gift of simply ‘being there’ that reminds me that there is a God and that He is loving. Despite the fact that I’ve known her the shortest out of the five, she knows me really really well, and while we have only spent two short short months together, the impact she has left continues to be a source of sadness and joy — sadness that I haven’t hugged her in so long, and joy that our paths have crossed path in the first place. she has gone through trials that any other person would crumble under, but the amount of strength she has is unfathomable, and the elegance by which she handles herself through it is a testament to the glory, grace, and sheer love of God. She is a continual blessing that represents the very best of what a friend is and can be, and I am consistently floored when I ponder and appreciate the brevity of our time spent together relative to the strength of our relationship now. And I am so very thankful for this relationship, the depth of which I cannot express adequately enough. I cannot thank God enough for the wonderful orchestration he had set in place over two years ago to create this masterpiece of a friendship.

Noah Jimenez
Time I’ve known him: 7 years, 6 months (August 2003)
Current distance: approx. 2,393 miles

This man of God has been a loving  brother to me, and his friendship is something I love and treasure dearly. Though I’ve known him for awhile, we never really did start getting close until the summer before going to college. I don’t even remember how we started hanging out, but I’m glad it happened. from learning the guitar together and playing friday night worship, to eating plain double cheeseburgers with honey mustard, from playing hours of guitar hero to spending hours just talking and ‘folks-ing,’ this mang has been there with me and for me, by my side, as I become a better musician, process life and grow in God. we never run out of things to talk about and I am always content just being around him. we have the same video game and music interests, he gets my humor, and he enables me to be myself, even when it means me saying doing weird and wacky things, and he never loves me any less for it. he has encouraged me to be honest and has been there by my side as I struggle with loneliness here in California. if I ever started a band, he would be my go-to guitarist and I would definitely bring him alone for that ride. He is a joy to be around, a kind and real soul, and one of the greatest friends I could ever ask for.

Summer Nakamura
Time I’ve known her: 6 years (February 2005)
Current distance: approx. 2,390 miles

Together, we have invented all kinds of symbols that make up the entirety of the unspoken language we communicate to each other. Our texts seldom say more than that, and often it is enough. She is my best friend, my favorite person in the world, and, oddly enough, the one I communicate with the least. The times that I am with her, though, are the moments I treasure the most by far, and I reflect on them with a tender heart and a poignant longing. our relationship has been a marvelously unique tapestry, consisting of bursts of closeness and long periods of avoidance, infatuation and hostility (on my part), from severe awkwardness to the eventual blossoming of a blessed and platonic friendship that I would never jeopardize nor trade for anything in the world. and I mean anything. her loving soul and walk with God have been such an inspiration to behold that she was actually the primary catalyst for the relationship with God I have today. she told me that I needed to want God and want him badly enough to pursue Him and fight for it. and it has been advice that has changed my life forever. God loves to use her to provide timely encouragement and support to let me know that I’m not alone, and that I am missed, loved, and remembered. in fact, one of the scriptures she sent me has been my iPhone wallpaper since arriving in California, and also a message of encouragement she sent to me since June 2010 is still on my desktop. i have kept all the notes and trinkets she has given me, and their worth to me is profound. seriously, if she knew how many times she has made my day with a simple text… perhaps the lack of frequent communication is the reason why the times we do catch up, the times when we are together, are so treasured and special; she’s why I am so excited to fly home and so bummed to go back to California. nonetheless, this woman brings out the very best in me, she encourages me to be the best I can be, and I love her for that. I know that I can rely on her and our friendship to overcome anything. She continues to be an inspiration who produces only the best fruits that God would be proud of, and if everyone loved God and loved others the way she does, no doubt this world would be saved and in a better place. She is sheer beauty inside and out, and I am so proud of her and equally as grateful that she is in my life.






The Dream.

1 02 2011

Since middle school/high school, I’ve had this recurring dream:

The scene occurs at dawn, when the morning sunlight pours into a white bedroom, illuminating the entire area with a golden yellow hue. In bed is me and a woman who’s face is, for lack of better descriptive terms, blank. She is a template, if you will. Two children burst through our bedroom door and crawl underneath the blankets, popping up between us, and our family shares an embrace.

Cue the “awwwww.” If you’ve seen the ending scene to the movie, “Sex and Death 101,”  it’s pretty much the exact scenario in my dream.

It’s a pretty generic one with common thematic elements, sure.. but it’s vivid and important to me nonetheless. Seldom do I have this dream when I am in a relationship with someone, but when I do it is usually a girlfriend or love interest that is the woman in bed with me (presumably my wife).

On the evening of Thursday, January 27th, 2011, I had this dream again. She was without a face, but she had dark hair (she is usually blonde in past archetypes). That’s as far as I’ll go in terms of detail. However, for the first time ever the dream continued into a night scene, where I was alone on a pier overlooking a lake just after sundown. The sky was a dark blue, but the color was almost like sapphire. And I saw stars. Millions and millions of stars. It was as if I could see every single star in existence, and it glittered the sky with a distinct and crisp intensity. I saw faint white shooting stars in the distance, and they were occurring only in one tiny area, but the amount of detail I could see was so vivid and clear. (I have recently reawakened my affinity for stargazing. It is a redemptive and intimate experience.)

But in the losing of myself in the wonderment of the night sky, I failed to realize that somebody was with me on this pier. It was a woman. But before I could focus on her face, the sky suddenly turned black (like a normal sky) and I lost all the light available to me.

What this all means, I have no clue. But I loved it. I love that dream. It makes me excited to go back to sleep the next night. Which works out perfectly because I need better sleeping habits.





==x

31 01 2011

Tonight I saw the largest and longest shooting star I have ever seen. It streaked across the sky for two seconds (which is pretty long), and it had a bright orange tail. Then it disappeared leaving behind a faint orange cloud.

I made a wish, I shed a tear. What a spectacular way to end an intimate conversation with my Creator. There are no coincidences with God. He’s the author, after all.

 








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