Drawing Deeper – 9: Stay With Me

“Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the ninth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

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There are certain people in my life who I love just being around. That is, I am content and comforted just by knowing that they are there. For example, when I’m online and I see my friend Nicole, a wonderful friend who is changing lives up in Canada, immediately my spirit is uplifted and I feel happier, even if we don’t talk at all. Simply seeing her name online is enough for me.

Now, ofcourse, here is where the focus shifts and the above example is applied to a relationship with God. So here it goes:

We have to treat God the same way.

Biblically and theologically we know that God is there. He is present and forever among us, neither leaving nor forsaken his children (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5). That needs to be enough for us. That should be enough for us.

But sometimes… it just isn’t. Isn’t it?

I’ve felt God so far away before, and it really, or lack of better words, sucked. I felt so lost. So lonely. And while intellectually I knew he was supposed to still be there, to me he wasn’t. I read those passages, but I didn’t believe it. So what happened? Why don’t I feel like God is near? Why can’t I see him online?

It’s because I have made a subtle agreement in my heart that he is not there.

In these moments of despair and desperation, it is crucial that we don’t make agreements with the lies of the enemy. And as I mentioned before, he does not fight fair. He attacks us when we are vulnerable. He is dirty like that, and we have to deal with it. So when I endured that heart-wrenching breakup back in the Spring of 2009, I unwittingly, in my despair and state of pity, came to a conclusion in my heart that I am all alone in my suffering, and that God too has left me.

I made an agreement with the enemy. That became his stronghold that prevented my return to and desire for intimacy with God.

So how do I break those agreements? You break them with the word of God. You use the Bible.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

What I needed to do was hold steadfast to what God says in his word. So I said: God, you said that you won’t leave me or forsake me. That what you said! I choose to believe these words now, despite what I am feeling right now. Please God, draw near to me. I need you. Stay with me.

Stay with me.

That’s the wonder of God. You don’t have to wait for him to sign onto facebook. You can just ask him to come. You can just talk to him, and be comforted in the fact that he is listening and recording all your prayers. You can just ask God to stay with you. And he will. He wants to. And he will never leave.

Try it for yourself. When you are about to go into something you know will be difficult, ask him to stay with you.

For me, I am learning to ask God to stay with me in the midst of tough situations. Currently I am dealing with finding a new place to stay for the year, and nothing is currently working out. On top of that, I am dealing with a hectic last week of summerschool. Let me tell you, I have been feeling loads of stress, and I have already broke down in tears and anger on multiple occasions. But thanks to what I have learned through Walking With God and my experiences last year, I prevented myself from making subtle agreements with hopelessness and the desire to give up. I felt the pressure to believe that nothing it going to work out. But I refused and resisted those lies, instead clinging onto this passage from Philippians:

“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7 (HCSB)

So what did I do? I prayed. I called my brothers and sisters and asked them to pray. I asked God to be with me, to stay with me through this.

God, I need you right now. I refuse to believe the lies of the enemy, and I invite you now to be with me in this. Please forgive me for not including you from the very beginning, but now, at this very moment, I ask you to stay with me, God. Speak to me on this issue. Thank you for my family and my brothers and sisters in Christ who are interceding for me and my roommates at this time. Bless them as well. I lift up my housing situation to you, and I lift up my school work to you. Give me strength, guidance, and peace of mind to overcome these obstacles. Let me succeed and excel through your grace and providence alone. Stay with me at all times, and be near to protect me. I bring the fullness of your work into this situation, and I cover it in your blood and your will. I love you Lord, thank you. This I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The result? He allowed his peace to flow through me, and I have ceased worrying about it, resting in God’s providence. I am now able to focus on school and fulfill my role as a student, knowing that God is working behind the scenes on my behalf, aligning divine appointments for me. We have a showing tomorrow, in fact, and right now it looks to be the best house yet that meets all our requirements! Hopefully it goes well. But even if it doesn’t, it’s still okay. God is still here. And that alone is enough for me.

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Previous entries in the series:
8: Asking God First, and Letting Him Finish
7: God Will Disrupt Your Schedule
6: Lord of the Little Things
5: Submitting the Imagination
4: No, I Don’t Want To
3: Dealing With Our Love Story
2: What Should I Read?
1: The Choice

Drawing Deeper – 8: Asking God First, and Letting Him Finish

“Drawing Deeper” is a series I have been writing which candidly details the progression, triumphs, and (very hard) lessons I have been learning as I draw deeper into a more personal, more intimate relationship-based walk with God. It is meant to provide inspiration, encouragement, and accountability to both myself and to whoever finds these helpful. Below is the eighth entry in the series. God bless you, and thank you for reading!

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John Eldredge’s chapter in Walking with God, titled “Seeking Guidance,” really got to me tonight.

How many times have I made a mess of things thinking that I knew what to do and what to expect?

Too often, in fact. And I do it all the time. We do it all the time.

But recently I’ve realized the pattern I go into when I find myself overwhelmed with the mess I’ve made — (1) I apologize to God and I ask him for forgiveness for doing things my way, and then (2) I ask him what I should do or how I should fix it. (3) If he gives me an answer or a prompting, immediately I take his idea and roll with it unguided… that is, until I mess it up again and ruin the beauty of his solution he had planned.

Sometimes I pride myself in filling in other people’s blanks. Given enough context, I like to guess where the other person is going, and I’m pretty good at it. The problem with that, though, is that I can’t do that with God. I don’t know everything like he does, and my thoughts are not his thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And usually, I get so excited when God speaks to me that I take the little promptings he gives me and, without thinking, proceed to fill in the blanks of God’s plan. God puts the ball in my court, and before he can explain the rules, I take off and start rolling with it, thinking I knew what game we were playing.. and this is the fallacy that appears: I proceed with the intent that I am doing God’s will when in fact I am actually following mine, and it becomes a misguided solution that brings an unintended outcome done in God’s name.

I have to stop doing that. I need to be disciplined, hold my tongue, submit this tendency of mine, and wait for God to finish. So far I’ve learned that God almost never reveals the totality of his plan to us, but only tells us a little what we should be doing a little bit at a time. I hate that. I need to know. But that’s how he rolls. And that’s the only way we learn how to listen to him consistently.. by only feeding us enough of what we need to know in order to produce righteous fruits of faith.

After all, Jesus was a carpenter. He will gladly repair our broken furniture that we unwisely decided to try and build ourselves. Although, it would have been a lot better for us if we just asked God the furniture he intended to make us in the first place. And that’s another thing I’m learning: to seek God’s counsel first, before I do anything to mess it up. That’s another area that requires immediate submission. God’s been working on my heart in that area.

Don’t you love a God like that? One who is so involved and present with our lives? One who never condemns us but gladly fixes all the messups we’ve made? That’s the wonder of who he is. And we can remain confident in that.

We just need to be careful with ourselves when we are postured to receive God’s advice. Every step of the way in the process of anything, whether it be in healing, in finding a home, in choosing classes, God wants to be involved, and he wants you toask him what to do next. In fact, to live a life rooted in the will of God, we really have no choice but to ask.

The above paragraph is especially important to someone like me, one who relies heavily on the wisdom I have gained to help direct my decisions. Biblically, we are to navigate life with the spirit of wisdom and revelation (Ephesians 1:17), and for me I am lacking in the discipline of consulting God. Perhaps if you are one to already be directly consulting God, see if you have enough wisdom and inner morality to balance it.

So Lord, thank you for bringing all these areas to my attention, and thank you for guiding me in dealing with them. Forgive me for doing things my way, and for running your ideas into the ground on my account. I bring the full and complete work of Christ into my life, and I submit to you the pride that gets in the way of seeking your guidance from the very beginning and into the process. I allow your spirit of wisdom and revelation to guide my life as I learn to fixate my life around hearing your voice. Thank you for the wonder that you are. I love you. Amen.

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Previous entries in the series:
7: God Will Disrupt Your Schedule
6: Lord of the Little Things
5: Submitting the Imagination
4: No, I Don’t Want To
3: Dealing With Our Love Story
2: What Should I Read?
1: The Choice

Drawing Deeper – 7: God Will Disrupt Your Schedule

The seventh entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God.

It makes absolutely no sense that we can still somehow go about our day, as we have planned, when we ask God to guide us with His will.

Yet, that’s always what we do.

There have been so many occasions where I have prayed, God, guide me today. Let it be known clearly the things you wish me to do in mine and other’s lives. Amen. And I go about my day. I get a call from a friend, asking me out to dinner. I get a prompting to say yes. But God, there’s a party at the beach house tonight, and I want to go to that instead! The response to that is silence. God has already spoken, and it is up to me whether or not I do my will… or His.

Unfortunately, I did mine. I went to that party. There were dozens of people I didn’t know. And I had a terrible time and left early. And I wished I had gone to dinner with that friend instead.

It also dawned on me that earlier in the week I prayed for God to be with me and deal with my feelings of loneliness. I sought friendship, and I asked God for that. My answer was that party. But God’s answer was in that invitation to dinner. I chose my answer and I ended up feeling even worse. If only I had obeyed that prompting.

It’s crazy how often we fail to realize that God answers our prayers all the time, and we fail to see them because they require more than just us praying – we also must submit our own will and desires so that God’s will can break through to us and bless us. We can’t just ask God for His will and proceed about our day committing our own agenda. Where is God in that? We have to BE in his will to experience his blessings, his answers to our prayers. We have to allow God to disrupt our schedule.

My success rate with doing things God’s way is… hmm, 0.001%, if that. God is always speaking to us, and has so many great and little things he wants us to do.

So God, help me. Please. Help me to realize and obey your promptings whenever I hear your voice. I know you have much better things in store for me today than what I have planned. Help me be sensitive to that. I renounce the work of the enemy and forbid it to steal the words of life you give me. You are my bread and my portion, and I submit my will to allow yours to break forth. Thank you for answering my prayers, and help me see your hand at work in my life. Forgive me for disobeying you, forgive me for not listening. Renew my mind and author my steps, Lord. I love you. Amen.

Missions Trip

I would really like to go on a missions trip next year. No clear promptings yet, but my wish is to either go to Africa or somewhere in Europe.

But we shall see! Future outlook. But right now I ought to prepare my spirit to be amazed at what God is about to do here in California.

Now that’s something to be excited for.

Drawing Deeper – 6: Lord of the Little Things

The sixth entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God.

The God we serve has greatness in store for us. A life with him is no “nice, little life,” as John Eldredge is quick to point out, but he has called us to live a life of purpose. There is no doubt that you have a destiny, and that you matter. You absolutely matter.

You may disagree. You may feel like you have no talents, you have no gifts, or, worse, you have no purpose. But let me ask you this – by whose standards are you using to measure your worth? Because if you feel that way, even by the slightest amount, I have strong reason to suspect that you are not seeing your value in light of how God sees you.

And let me tell you… all He sees in you is beauty and potential. You do not possess anything less.

And he’s expecting big things from us, as all proud and loving fathers should. But how do we know where to go? How do we even go about reaching that uber destiny we are all called to come into?

It’s simple, really. We ask him. We talk to God. That’s it.

Let me tell you, it’s been really difficult to do this. You know, talking to God, asking him where to go, what to pray for, what I should be doing at this very moment. Well, to be more accurate, the hardest part is letting God actually answer your question. Sometimes I already have my mind made up before I ask him, and I do it either without seeking his counsel, or I do it anyway despite hearing a slightly different response. It’s like I’m merely checking in with God at that point, telling him what I’m going to be doing today, and doing it whether or not I receive his permission.

This can be dangerous, because I learned that I am not genuinely putting myself into God’s plan for the day. I am not quieting my spirit and surrendering my will to him, and I am not allowing him to guide me the way he wants. Too often we ask God what we should do with our lives, and when he gives us a response that we don’t particularly care for, or seems very confusing or inconvenient, we say in our hearts, “never mind God, forget I asked.”

I’ve made this mistake thousands of times. Literally. And I’m still making that mistake. And I’ve realized that if I don’t live a life of quiet surrender to God and his will, I may very well never achieve that destiny he has in store. I may never meet that significant person he has in store. Worse yet, I may never become that significant person he has in store.

Yes, God has that wonderful plan for your life. But in order to get there, he absolutely needs to be Lord over the little things in your life. Those day to day, minute to minute decisions… that’s where God wants to have dominion over. And we have to give it to him if we ever want to experience the greatness of the life he wants us to live.

Why? Well, let’s look at what the Bible says.

“Whoever is faithful in very little is also faithful in much, and whoever is unrighteous in very little is also unrighteous in much.” (Luke 16:10 HCSB)

Oh. Well there you go.

We need to humbly accept the answers God gives us when we ask him. It’s the only way our hearts and lives can be prepared for his full and ultimate blessing. Too often I ask God what is the right thing to do, and never follow through with nor apply the answer he supplies me with. I realize I have to stop that. I realize that when I ask God for an answer, I must first quietly surrender my own opinions and ideas so that I can take up the truth God is placing in my heart.

There will come a day (many days, in fact) when God will ask us to do things that place us exceedingly outside our comfort zones. In those moments, we need to trust in God completely to get through what he has planned. How can we expect to successfully trust him with bigger issues when we can’t even listen to him when he asks us to submit to the small stuff?

Truth be told, though, it’s so great that we can ask him. It’s so great that we can seek him and find him. It’s so great that we have an ensured future in him. It’s so great that we can fully and confidently trust in what he has promised to people like us who have found such love and adoration for him.

“For I know the plans I have for you” – [this is] the Lord’s declaration – “plans for [your] welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you” – the Lord’s declaration – “and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and places where I banished you” – the Lord’s declaration. “I will restore you to the place I deported you from.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

As a side note, lately, as I have been getting closer to God, he has been showing me a lot of prayer windows. I used to have those promptings before when people would tell me that they’re looking for a job, that they’re looking for a new place to live, or that they’re stressed with school… but I never used to take them. Now, God has been giving me courage and boldness to offer quick prayers for people, and I have found that it helps them a lot. It helps me a lot too. I’ve had the opportunity to pray with friends, roommates, and even for the guy who hooks me up at my neighborhood Jack-in-the-Box! Haha, can you even imagine?

The Lord seriously does work in the craziest of ways, but the bottom line is that Godworks. He absolutely works.

So Lord, help me. Forgive me for seeking you and still doing things my way. I repent of my pride and independence and I submit to your will and what you want to do in me daily. Give me the strength to trust you, even in the little things that don’t even seem to matter. I put my trust in everything that you are doing, and I trust that things will make sense in due time. But for now, help me to just simply follow you, Lord. Thank you for making it so easy for me to love you.

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Drawing Deeper – 5: Submitting the Imagination

The fifth entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God:

Our imagination is a powerful thing. God has given us an innate creativity to envision things.. things that can be used for His glory, that can be used to picture a life with him, that can be used to help us and motivate us into the dreams we have in our hearts. It can even help us get closer with God if we master it wisely. But often, our imaginations can run wild, and sometimes it may wind up doing more harm than good. Sometimes, it may misalign us with God and his will.

Take me, for example. I’m a pretty emotional person. That is, I tend to feel things with greater passion and increased sensitivity. It is how God has wired me. As a result, when I am happy, I feel really happy. But the same is true when I am sad. And when that happens, I can get really sad.

Sometimes it’s not even that. Sometimes it’s even more subtle. And it’s how the enemy strikes best.

A friend facebook messages me, “hey, are you free to talk?” Oh no, he’s struggling with something. Oh God I hope his girlfriend didn’t break up with him. He must be devastated. Turns out he wanted to ask what urban album he should buy. Another friend doesn’t show up to class. Damn it, he must’ve overslept again. I can’t believe he is so irresponsible. Turns out it was a doctor’s appointment, and he emailed the professor already. Another person doesn’t come to church. Oh no, she’s backsliding. We’re going to lose her any day now. Turns out she was in New Mexico that weekend.

See what I mean? My imagination runs wild, freely roaming to indulge in all these negative scenarios that are based on absolutely nothing! It has the enormous capacity to destroy those very relationships if it is continually dwelled on.

This is dangerous because the enemy is an opportunist. He does not fight fair. And this is where I am vulnerable. He can attack me here. It is here that I am most susceptible to believing his lies.

That’s why Paul says that we have to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Obedient to Christ. That’s the key. That’s what I have to learn.

Too often my mind overreacts. I get paranoid about what people think about me. I dwell on things I shouldn’t have said or felt stupid for doing, and I wonder if the person who I think I’ve inflicted harm onto is thinking negatively of me. Sometimes I go so far as to think that I have irreversibly ruined the relationship. Before, I used to envision scenarios where I am victimized, and this ugly masochistic side of me rears itself and somewhat delights in the pain I consciously inflict upon myself in these fantasies.

It was a result of lingering pain and brokenness from my life’s love story. I have already dealt with and have been healed from that.

But the paranoia? It’s still there. That’s what I need to take captive of. That’s what I have to submit to Christ.

God doesn’t want me to think those things. He doesn’t want me to dwell on them. All I am doing is making myself vulnerable to the enemy, making dangerous agreements with his lies and being seduced into thinking that everything I am speculating is true. When it is not. John Eldredge calls it “The Snare of Speculation.” It is a dangerous trap that destroys relationships if left unchecked and not submitted to Christ’s truth and lordship.

I have already been freed from my problem of dwelling. God is now revealing to me the paranoia and overactive imagination that is keeping me from believing the truth he speaks to me everyday.

Sanctify my imagination Lord. Forgive me for allowing my imagination to entertain ideas of victimization, ideas that are unwarranted and have no basis in truth. Forgive me for being so godless in this area of my life. Give me the strength and tenacity to give you my paranoia every single time it happens, Lord. I trust you with my relationships, I trust in what you are doing in them. Make my mind holy, God. I give you my dreams as well. Thank you for using everything I think as a chance to get closer with you. I love you.

Drawing Deeper – 4: No, I Don’t Want To

The fourth entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God:

“what would be the reason why He would ask you to delete everything youve kept for so long?”

This… is hard.

A couple hours ago, God asks me to do something that is a hoarder’s worst nightmare – to delete a considerable amount of very meaningful stuff off of my computer…

It’s stuff that I look back on. I haven’t in a long while, but knowing that I still can look at it provides me with some odd sort of comfort. I justify it in my head, saying But God, I wanna look back and see how much I’ve grown! Can’t I just keep it… please?

But I hear no response when asking that question.

It is hard, but I follow through with it. I sense it’s what God wants me to do. I can feel some tears welling up in my eyes. I go to the folders he is telling me to get rid of.. and before I can think twice, I get rid of it.

The things I deleted were saved conversations, videos, pictures, etc., with various former flames in my past love life. I knew God was tugging on my heart to stop dwelling on those relationships, especially since I have reconciled my love story and have given him the pen, making him the author and giving him the authority to write the relationships he wants in my life.

Now, this story would be all fine and dandy if it ended there. But it didn’t.

God then asked me to delete the same things from my backup hard drive… permanently.

That’s when the tears started to flow out of nowhere. NOOOOOOOO!!! I begged God. He saw right through me. He knew that I knew I could just re-upload it to my computer whenever I felt like viewing them again. He wanted me to exterminate that which distracted me from him.. by destroying the source.

Ten minutes of crying. Ten minutes of pleading. Ten minutes of soaking my Walking with God book, which by me reading sparked this entire thing. This is the passage that God used to speak to me:

In learning to hear the voice of God, one thing is certain – if you cannot hear a “no,” you will have a hard time hearing God at all or believing what you think you’ve heard is in fact from God. This is crucial – hearing Godrequires surrender, giving all things over into his hands. Notabandoning your desires, but yielding them to God. (p.123)

See, I’m only learning to listen to God’s voice now. So his voice lies buried underneath all my self-talk and inner thinking, which in many cases sound very similar to what God is saying. So for me it is very difficult to discern God’s true voice right now.

I know this is a test.

I know God wants me to do this. And the more I ask for confirmation, the more the words “delete them” appears in my head. I read the passage again. My eyes fix upon the words, “requires surrender,” … and I get it. How can I expect myself to trust God fully on a day-to-day basis when I can’t even get over a hump like this? How can I fail the first test he is giving me in our newfound relationship?

So I open my external hard drive, highlight the files, right click, hover my mouse over delete… and I get a tingling sensation through my arms, head, and heart, followed by a clear and direct prompting that says, “No.”

….. huh?

I begin to think that this is the enemy. So I renounce the spirit of Deception and the spirit of Disobedience, commanding it to leave this place in Jesus’ name.

Nothing really happens. I reflect on the tingling sensation, and I realize that I have felt it before, almost a year ago in fact, when I drew close to God at the ending of a very tumultuous relationship.. it was not the result of oppression by an unclean spirit, but God’s holy love stopping me in my tracks.

Now I’m confused. Wait God, first you want me to delete all this permanently, and now you’re stopping me? What are you up to?

I look one last time at what I’m now potentially deleting. And I wonder to myself, Why is it really so hard to let this go in the first place? What are you trying to reveal to me, God?

There is a person who I was once involved with in the past but, by the grace and beauty of God, has now become one of my closest friends. What I’m looking at right now are old conversations and videos we had back when we liked each other. She is currently on a missions trip, riding camels and changing the world, off in a far distant land with no internet connection.

So I talk to God and say, God, this stuff with her that you’re asking to delete still means a lot to me. if you really want me to get rid of it, I will. But could I at least wait till I get a chance to talk to her about it? She comes home in a few more weeks.

And guess what? I kid you not – less than one minute later, she signs onto facebook! She caught a cab into town, went to an internet café, and signed onto facebook. Talk about divine!

So I tell her what I’m going through. She asks me the question located at the top of this entry. I tell her it is because I dwell on things of the past too much.

Whoa, did I just type that? I didn’t even realize it until just now. I do dwell. I’ve been dwelling. The past. How things once were. All the while I don’t even realize how much people has changed (and for the better) since then. Reminiscing about how people were before is preventing me from seeing the growth they have achieved now. Reminiscing about how I was before is preventing me from the growth God has in store for me.

She gives me her blessing, saying that she is at peace with whatever I decide to do with our history. It’s buried under the blood of Christ anyway. There will always be new and better memories to make as God’s new creations.

I’m at peace too. I still couldn’t believe how she signed on, and how God totally planned it out to help heal and change my heart.

So after talking with her, I’m even more okay with parting with our history. So I open up my external hard drive, go to those files, and I tell God, Just say the word, and I will get rid of this.

But God doesn’t answer. In all honesty, I receive the same mixed responses. It feels right when I ask, God, I should delete this? And it feels right when I ask, God, I shouldn’t delete this?

God instead reminds me of what I read earlier today. In Romans 2, Paul talks about circumcision of the heart. That it is not about having a physical, anatomical evidence, but rather it is about submitting oneself to the total lordship of Christ through one’s heart. In Romans 4, he talks about Abraham’s faith being credited to him for righteousness.

Could this entire episode have been an Abraham and Isaac experience?

I wondered why I cried so much tonight. I felt him tell me that I was being healed. I also felt him say that whatever I chose to do with those files were okay. I feel him telling me that he has already mended my heart, and has changed the way I view my past, thus nullifying the longing effects created whenever I see it. I feel he trusts me with my decision, knowing that my heart has been circumcised before him tonight. They are at least gone from my computer, and I have no intentions of re-uploading them. I don’t even have enough space anymore.

So I decided to keep those files. For now.

I still am not too clear what God wanted from me tonight, whether I did the right thing or not. But what I am learning at this moment is that no matter what I do, whether I succeed or fail God’s tests, it does not disqualify me from saying that I belong to him. I am his no matter what, whether I hear from him or not. I am 100% sure that God is happy with me and how much I am growing in him, and it excites me that I am slowly getting the hang of this ‘talking to God’ thing.

It’s wonderful.

Drawing Deeper – 3: Dealing with Our Love Story

The third entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God:

I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again
and you will be rebuilt. . . .
and go out to dance with the joyful. (Jeremiah 31:3-4)

Our experiences with love often shape the conclusions we make about it. Many have come to the realization that love is fleeting and untrustworthy, and that if it even does exist in this world, you can never rely on it; it’ll go away eventually and leave us to be alone again. Some of us have been so traumatized by past relationships that we believe that we don’t deserve to love, for fear of getting hurt… again. These experiences are some people’s love stories.

I felt this way. It was certainly my love story. And it certainly influenced the way I perceived how God loved me. I thought he would leave too, just like everyone else. Heck, I don’t even feel him near me, or if he even loves me.

But the conclusions we come to about love, especially God’s love, are often not true. In times like these, when we feel this way about love, we have to delve into the Word and see what it has to say about the subject, for that is the truth. And this is what God says about how he loves us.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! (1 john 3:1)

And hope does not disappoint, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:5)

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. (John 15:9)

You have to deal with your love story (that is, your experiences with love) in order to see how warped it has become from the truth. Here is mine:

S left in the _th grade to go to I.
P left in the _th grade to go to M.
J left me to be with D.
M left me to go back to C.
H left for J.
S chose C.
G left to go back to I.
K left to be with T.
M left me to be with B.
D left with me to be with E.
N left me to be with A.
D left with me to be with C.
L left me to be with J.

Quite a list, I’ve realized. And after seeing all this, I realized where the source of my flawed thinking regarding love has come from. Now, it may look bad, but most of them really aren’t. Some relationships fell apart due to circumstances beyond our control, but the fact remains that I felt like all the people I’ve ever loved left me in some way, whether they meant to or not. And I played the victim card. It didn’t matter if I left them or broke up with them, the perception is skewed as them doing the leaving. How selfish and untrue. But I brought this resulting mistrust and unbelief in consistent love into my relationship with God. I’ve felt like I’ve been left behind so many times in so many relationships that without even realizing it I assumed that God would do the same. It is difficult for me to be intimate solely because I am afraid they would leave before I knew it. And while I have forgiven each and every one of them, the lingering opinions about love still remained.

Suffice to say, that way of thinking had to be dealt with, forgiven, and repented from if ever I am to truly experience a real and lasting closeness with my creator. I need to delve into the Word and get fed from it daily in order to break the notions that I have about love, in order for God to fully bless me with his.

John Eldredge has this to say:

We don’t believe the Scriptures because they don’t seem to align with what we are feeling right now [...] We are so stubborn in our unbelief because we aren’t at that moment experiencing whatever it is God says is true [...] We cannot base our convictions on whether or not we are feeling or experiencing the truth of what God says. It is an arrogant posture, to let our immediate state of being be the judge of whether the Scripture is true for us. I know I have to start with the truth, embrace it, stake my all on it, and then later – sometimes right away, sometimes down the road – I will experience its truthfulness. (p.100-1).

I asked God to forgive me today for agreeing with the lies the enemy has been feeding me all those times I was vulnerable when those relationships fell apart. I asked him to secure me in his everlasting love, to believe in it, and to trust in it. I thanked God for my love story, and how he has used it over the course of my entire life to illustrate to me how much he truly and eternally loves me. I cried today as I asked him to heal my heart of all the hurt I have experienced. I had no idea how much hurt I still had not dealt with. But I’m glad I dealt with it today.

Now, it’s your turn. Have you dealt with it yet?

Allow God to reveal to you your love story. Then give him the pen so he can finish it for you.

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OH! And as a side note, guess what scripture I ran into in Walking with God on page 100?? John 16:27!!!! It was the same scripture God told me to read on the plane two days ago (see entry titled, Drawing Deeper -2:What Should I Read?).. the one I had no idea what it was for. Now I realize that God was foreshadowing the revelation and breakthrough I was to go through today.

Thank you God. I love you. Really.

Drawing Deeper – 2: What Should I Read?

The second entry in my journey towards a deeper relationship with God:

Part of being intimate with God is being able to talk to him as you would any other close friend. Ask him questions. Often we come to God with the biggies: God, what is my life’s purpose? God, who do you want me to marry? God, what degree should I pursue? God, where should I live after college?

God loves it when we ask those questions. We worry about those things, and would love to have God’s input. But drawing deeper to God means also coming to him with the small questions too. Stuff like: God, what should I wear today? God, should I go for a run or should I fix that wobbly chair? God, what should I eat for dinner tonight?

If you are able to listen to and submit to God’s input over small areas of your life such as these, then truly you are living a life wholly and pleasing to God. As I mentioned earlier, he absolutely loves to be included in these little decisions. He wishes for you to treat your relationship with Him the same you would with your best friend you see everyday.. and then some. It is part of allowing God to go on ahead of you, trusting in the direction he wants to take you (John 10:1-4).

On Thursday, July 1st, on my way back to California, I continued to read Walking with God on the plane. I read the following passage:

Letting your Shepherd lead you in your reading allows him to take you right to a passage that you may not have thought of yourself [...] but is the very word you need. In this way I have received many warnings, endless counsel, immeasurable comfort, and the incomparable intimacy of God speaking directly to me through his Word. (p.44)

It’s so simple, I couldn’t believe I never thought to ask this before. So I paused after reading that, closed my eyes, and I asked God: Lord, what would you like me to read today?

And BAM! Right before I even had a chance to finish even thinking that question, in plain sight I saw in my mind, John 16:27.

I was blown away! There I was, literally seeing John 16:27 inside my brain as a bright text floating in the darkness of my closed eyelids. I was still a little unsure of what to make of it, thinking that it is some randomly produced figment of my imagination, but I chose to go with it, grabbing my miniature bible from my bag, getting excited and thinking of how profound this scripture is going to be.

I turn to it, and the scripture says, “No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.”

……… errrr, what now? That’s a cool scripture and all, and I believe it, but God, what did that have to do with anything?