This weekend I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to meet new people at NAMM, and, whether by choice or by chance, get in touch with old friends. There was a lot of greetings and keeping in touch, all wrapped up in one amazing weekend.
This post is about friends. My friends. Well, and I suppose your friends too.
When I look at the people I know, and who are a part of my life, I am astounded by the uniqueness of each one. Not just who they are as a person, but how the actual relationship is.
I have a friend that I can text all the time about random things in the day.
I have a friend where the conversations are always involve the deep philosophical quandaries of life.
I have a friend with whom I do nothing but have racist quips with.
I have a friend where we talk about God all the time and it’s amazing.
I have a friend where all we do is have fun and get into trouble.
I have a friend that I rarely talk to, but when we do it goes on for over five hours every time.
I have a friend who is just a completely positive influence and the person I go to whenever I need advice or just an ear to hear me process what I’m going through.
I have a friend that I miss very much, all the time.
I have a friend who literally goes through the same things I do at the same time.
They are all important to me, and they’re friendship is valued precisely and uniquely because of it.
That being said, expectations in these friendships get in the way.
I hadn’t realized it, but there were some times when I wished that a friendship with one person would resemble more like a friendship with someone else. Like, perhaps the texting aspect with a friend I rarely talk to, or to the one I miss all the time. But then.. it would change the friendship. It would alter that uniqueness. It may sound stupid, but I know you yourself have had friendships with people that are defined in very specific ways, and you just don’t do things with them that you’d do with others for some tacit and unexplainable reason.
I used to be the one who always wanted to change those things, who believed in my own power to change things for my gain. I did that, and it ruined some really great relationships. I ought to just be thankful that I have these bonds, and that they are what they are. I should just “be,” and be content in that. They are God-given, they are unique. They are wonderful.
The word is very undervalued, I feel. It shouldn’t be. It’s a beautiful thing to call someone friend. And recently, I’ve come to respect its significance. Actually, I think it has more value than “dear” or “darling” or even “bro” or “sis” or “homie.”
To me, anyway.
I am.. unbelievably blessed. And immeasurably thankful for the people I can call friends in my life. I believe it to be the highest term of endearment for a platonic relationship. Plus, not many people say, “hello, friend” to each other.. and in a world where it is rarely used to address others, there’s a novelty factor in it too.
My friends mean the world to me. And I’m going to do better at letting them know it.
Most importantly, I am a friend of God. And He calls me friend.
I was speaking to a friend tonight.. he told me that he’s been getting so much out of my blogs, particularly my Drawing Deeper series. He spoke very kind words about how it made him cry, and really start trying to get his relationship with God stronger, how this should be more public, and that more people should be reading it… and it felt really good to get that kind of feedback.
Now, let it be known that I don’t look for any recognition when I write these things. They’re mainly for me anyway. It’s how I process what God is doing in my life. But like anybody who produces work they are proud of, there is a subtle dream that exists in my heart that hopes that people will read what I have to say. That’s normal to wish, right? I don’t know… a love language of mine is Verbal Affirmation, so maybe that’s why I’m particularly touched when people take the time to just tell me that I’m important. That I am understood. That my work matters to them, no matter how small the impact.
I think… everybody needs to feel that every once in awhile.
Thank you, dear reader.. you are a true encouragement. God bless you, brother!
[Shameless plug: You can read my Drawing Deeper series here]
..that prompting… again.
From six months ago: “Delete them.”
Is it finally time? Why me?? Why not… you know..? Aren’t there things being kept from an even longer time ago? Weren’t those things NOT burned? Why is that allowed but mine isn’t?
I… I can’t do it.
How can I be sure that this is even you, God?
How… can I be sure?
I don’t know what to do… I need to talk about this first..
It’s too important to me… is that why? Am I dwelling again? Are you seeing if I can let go of it? I haven’t looked at them ever since I promised you I wouldn’t.
And what was with that resistance last time I tried? Was that not from you? Why the devotions from Romans 2 and 4? The whole Abraham and Isaac thing.. are you trying to do it again? Why??
………………….. sigh. I’m more confused than ever. I just.. need to talk it out… with my best friend.. someday.
I… realized something tonight.
I don’t really.. have a dream.
It used to be that music school. But I don’t know anymore.
That’s probably why I don’t have focus. That’s probably why I don’t want to live here anymore. I want to make something of myself. But I have no idea what I’m supposed to be making.
Sure I love music. I love teaching. It’s a passion. But… it hasn’t been utilized the way I’ve wanted it to for such a long time now.
I have lost my way.
This season, though, I will reclaim it. I will find something worth living for. I will find my passion again. Whatever it is. I will seek God and continually lift it up to Him. If it’s in His hands, and if I’m following him, I’ll find it.
I trust God that much.
I deserve joy.
..is a long time.
I don’t know when I’ll be coming home.
Most likely it will be for Christmas.
I just endured 6 months before this break.
I’ve only been back in California for 5 hours, but already it’s seeping back in.
—-
loneliness.
—-
I already miss home. Very much.
I don’t want to be here.
But I know it’s where I need to be.
I know the joy will come later. I know I will feel, once again, inseparable from this place. I know I will love it here. But right now I don’t. And that’s okay.
Will it really be a year before I get to hug my loved ones again?
God, give me strength. It is unbearable.
The formula is constant:
Come back home,
Experience awkwardness and loneliness the first few days,
Slowly get back into the swing of things,
Pick up where relationships left off,
Catch up, hang out, chill,
Feel as if I’ve never left,
Get closer than ever,
Don’t want to leave home,
Forced to leave.
But this time, it was.. different.
On new years day on Saturday, I was very bummed and depressed. That whole week I couldn’t shake it. I just wanted to slip away quietly and go back to California. I built up a lot of expectations in my mind of what I thought this break was going to be, and when reality proved drastically otherwise.. I couldn’t take it. I felt like I wasted my entire break. I was in a rut. And I couldn’t get out.
Thankfully, by the time Wednesday rolled around, it went away. In its place was a feeling of excitement. I usually host a large gathering of all my church friends a few days before I leave. And usually by the end of the night it leaves me with this feeling of emptiness, knowing that I will not see these people again for another long season. Usually these parties make me want to miss my flight and stay home forever.
But for some reason, this time I wasn’t left with that feeling. I was left with.. wholeness. I really enjoyed myself, and savored every minute I had with these people. I found myself actually present with them, instead of simply being there physically while mentally counting down the hours before I’d have to leave them. It was a much less cynical frame of mind, and I am glad I actually had fun at my own party.
In truth, I had one of the best breaks I could have ever asked for. I hung out with everybody I wanted to see. I spent quality time with my family. I popped fireworks for the first time in five years. I made the most adorable stuffed animal and gave it to my favorite person in the world. I played with the worship team. I had a great small group. I watched tons of movies and lost tons of money playing ridiculously fun dice games. I drank and was merry. I looked up at the stars. I spoke to God. I felt His love.
I had a great time. And while I’m sad to see it end, I feel.. equipped. Ready. I have no clue when I will be back home, but I know for certain that God wants me in California. He has reminded me that I will always have home, and that there are people who love me. They are excited for me, and I have no doubt that I will be missed. I know I’m sounding a little conceited, but considering the dark places I’ve gone to in my own head, battling thoughts of worthlessness and depression, this is a tremendous step for me, and I am entitled to feel a little proud of my growth.
I love you all. Thank you for making the end of 2010 joyous and memorable. I will make you proud.
See you soon!
Joseph
(:) youre my best friend Joseph Pecson, you..always will be. YOU mean SO much to me, THAT..will never change. distance & time got nothing on us 
prov.7:17 <3
Jan 6, 2011 10:16 PM
