———

“But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.
o You, O my Strength, I will sing praises;
For God is my defense, my God of mercy.”
(Psalm 59:15-17)

Lately God has been asking me to sing to Him… not in the sense of singing worship songs that I know, but to actually talk to Him through song.

Especially when I’m hurting.

When it feels like no one is there, and I’m going through a lot, God simply tells me to sing about how I feel and what I’m going through. Then to sing of His truth.

And so I do. Despite me feeling weird at first, it becomes the most comforting experience.

I sing unto Him. Through my depression, my loneliness, my hurt.

And He listens to me, transforms my heart, and cues the wellspring in my soul to come out through my eyes and heal me.

He uses the most insecure aspect of me — my singing voice — and turns that weakness into a perfecter of faith that declares His sovereignty over my life.

There are times, folks, where we have no one else to turn to but God. Sometimes he distances those close to us to illustrate that very purpose. It is a reminder done out of love, because He wants us to learn to talk to Him, to rely on Him… trust in Him. We need to lay hands on ourselves, encourage ourselves, and pray over our own lives, because sometimes no one is around to do it for us.

I’ve always wanted to sing better, anyway. And I do have a lot that I am going through. Perhaps the act of singing to Him is how God intends to answer my prayer? Well, I wouldn’t put it past Him.

“The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.”
(Psalm 118:13)

———

A lot of things have been thrown my way this past week alone. Almost not graduating, losing my credit card, falling ill… it’s only been two weeks, and I feel as lonely as ever.

But – I am unbelievably glad. Joyful, even. Because you were there. I felt you near. I cried out, and you came.

You listened. You let me weep. And you… and you… ah, who am I kidding? I can’t explain it.

It was all you, huh? You allowed this to happen. You orchestrated every circumstance, every moment, every decision.. so that I all I had left was you.

Well… thank you. So much.

I’ve never felt more alive, more like myself, than when I talk with you. The honesty and trust I am developing as I get to know you.. it is mind-blowing. Before there were ulterior motives. I read your promises and viewed you as the person I needed to please in order to gain them. But now… I don’t care. It doesn’t matter if you’ll give me my heart’s desires, I am just going to focus on delighting in you.

In an effort to beat the system, I’ve come face to face with the greatest love I have ever known. Your truth has stopped me in my tracks and brought me to my knees. And I am not going anywhere except in the places where your love calls.

The fact that you are near me at all is overwhelming, and I am moved to tears daily by what you have been delivering me through. Who am I that you answer my prayers? I have done nothing to deserve them. Yet.. you are blessing my life in so many ways that I cannot possibly count them all.

I am thankful beyond measure that you are in control. Though I am saddened you have distanced friendships, you have sprung forth newer ones that provide all I need and continue to amaze me. Forgive me if I ever question where you lead me.

For all I need is you. Your presence is enough. I will trust you, because you have  been faithful. I will be still and know… that you are God.

—

———

A new level. New increase. It’s amazing. But reaching a new level with God requires more of him. Maintaining a deeper communication, a more intimate relationship level, requires us to depend on him even more.

And it makes sense – higher elevations require more breath.

My pursuit to grow in God, to grow with God, can be analogized to climbing a mountain. When I made my first genuine attempt to know God more during the middle of this summer, it was like I was at the base of this gigantic mountain. Where the heck do I even start? I wondered. I contemplated the proper footing, the proper technique, I took a step back to see how I would do it. But I realized that all I really was doing was procrastinating. I knew it’d be scary, I didn’t know what to expect… but I wanted it. So badly. My best friend told me that I needed to want God. I needed to want it more than anything else.

So with the encouragement of close friends around me, I did. And it was great! The first few steps were exhilarating. Progress was being made. I was encouraged.

Then it got harder.

I started getting busier with school, an internship, and other commitments. Not only that, but I started getting attacked. The temptations and lust started coming back. I needed God more than ever. So I got into a small group and found a church, and surrounded myself again with brothers and mentors. I barely escaped last semester alive, and I needed to come back home for the winter and recuperate.

Now I’m back in California. It’s 2011, and I need to be stronger. My relationship with God needs to be deeper. With the coming future, I need to stick close to Him and, most importantly, let him lead. I’ll be heading out and finding a job soon, and I need to make sure I’m where God wants me to be. I will fail if I do this on my own, on my own breath.

I depend on God for my very survival.

I don’t think I’m being too dramatic here. There is a very real enemy out there to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). The devil has been at it for a long time, and we’re going to need God more and more the closer we get to our destiny. Satan has tried to rob me of my joy and grip me into lust and depression the first day I came back here. If it were not for my network back home and my decision to be vulnerable with these trusted souls, I would not be writing this entry. I am indebted to them tremendously for getting me out of that rut. I’m closer with God now; and the devil hates that.

But I love it. I love getting to know my creator. I love getting to know Him again. I love how it’s in His hands, and all I have to do is follow. The higher I climb this mountain, the greater the reward, the greater the satisfaction, the greater the view… and the greater the fall.

I intend not to fall. If I do, I believe in God’s grace. I believe in the comfort and love my family and friends will give me. I believe in those relationships. I believe that God is good, no matter what he gives.. or takes.. away from me.

I will keep growing. I will keep moving forward. I will rely on His breath the higher up I go. And I am so thankful that He is the source of my strength. My joy.

Father, I thank you. This journey you have placed me on… this mountain you are making me climb… it is tough. But already I feel stronger. Already I feel that I’m drawing nearer to you. I know the higher I climb the more of you I need. This mountain.. it can represent my destiny, my relationship with you, or a trial you are leading me through to teach me how to cling onto you more. And I love you for that. Thank you for strengthening me, for teaching me how to depend on you. Thank you for my brothers and sisters, and for placing people around me so I don’t have to do this alone. I want to make you proud, and I want to stand with you one day, victorious, knowing that you were the one giving me breath all along. You are the air that I breathe. Please be there for my friends, my loved ones, my family. Give them your strength too. Help me draw nearer to you, God. I simply cannot do this without you.

——

———

“For my burden is easy and my yoke is light.”
(Matthew 11:30)

God. The Creator of everything. The author of our lives. The author.

He knows what’s coming. He knows what we’ll do. He knows what’s best.

On the other hand, I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what I’ll do next. And last time I checked, based on the decisions I’ve made, I don’t know what’s best.

But God does.

Isn’t that beautiful?

Why, then, is it so hard to follow God when we know this? Why is our “free will” inextricably linked to frequent and terrible decision-making?

I know it’s our flaws. I know it’s our sin. I know it’s Satan.

But… when I look back on the times when I’ve chosen God, when I chose to let go of everything.. they were the very moments where I felt — myself. That unexplainable warmth, that unexplainable comfort, those unexplainable tears, the relentless utterances of praise that burst forth from my lips.. those were the realest experiences I’ve ever had. It was free. And it was freeing.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
(Hebrews 12:1-2)

God’s will is stressful, tough, and difficult. But it’s perfect. All we need to traverse the path He has laid out before us is Him. He is all we need, and thankfully his burden is light, for what He asks us to do can be immensely difficult. Anything else we, by our own volition, choose to keep carrying will only hinder us from achieving His will for our lives. Most times, it becomes impossible.

It is inevitable that when we stray from the path of God, upon our return there will be attachments, hindrances, and vices we have picked up from our time in darkness. All that extra stuff we are holding onto is the only thing keeping us back from a perfectly designed relationship with God. It is what is keeping us from where He wants us to go. It can be immensely hard to let go, but I remember all the times where I finally did… and to this day I cannot believe the sheer love He has shown, the dark places He has delivered me from.

I am experiencing this struggle for deliverance even now. I am working through this and doing my best to just.. lay everything down. It is scary as heck, considering I don’t know the outcome of my future. But judging from what I’ve been through with and without God — I choose God. I want His burden instead. And I am SO thankful He’s willing to trade all my sorrows and shame for His joy.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
(Romans 12:2)

God, I want to view you as King over my life. I want to serve you and lay it down, all of it. You’ve seen the way I run my life, and I know you have better for me. I don’t want to do Your will just because there is some benefit for me; I just want to do it because I love you. Please please please shape that mentality in me. I’m tired of my own ulterior motives. I’m tired of pulling out the God card. I’m tired of all the showcasing. When it comes down to it, I just want to be near to you. I just want to talk with you, hear from you, make jokes with you, fight and struggle with you, knowing that I am getting closer to your heart. I want to follow you for the rest of my life, not just because you know what’s best but because I love you. Who you are is amazing, and I want to focus my entire life on what you want me to accomplish. Instill a passion to please you in my heart. I want to develop the character that pleases you. This season, while I’m in California, mold me into the man of God you want me to be. You are my Father, and you own me. I want to be your faithful Son. I want to make You proud. I love you.

—

Previous entries in the series:
11: The Homeless Man’s Prophecy
10: Relationship Ramblings
9: Stay With Me
8: Asking God First, and Letting Him Finish
7: God Will Disrupt Your Schedule
6: Lord of the Little Things
5: Submitting the Imagination
4: No, I Don’t Want To
3: Dealing With Our Love Story
2: What Should I Read?
1: The Choice

God, I’m believing in your goodness. I’m believing that You want nothing but the best for me. I’m choosing not to give in to my depression, my loneliness, my desire to end me, and I’m declaring Your love. I need You, please draw near to me. Things aren’t making sense, relationships are crumbling despite all I do, and I need Your strength. I refuse a life without You. Please be near. Please strengthen me. Watch over me as I sleep, guide my thoughts in the morning. Let me see nothing but You when I look at the world. I want to be Your son. Amen.